APpLe bloG

2007-01-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

Lol. There's been some time since i blogged. Found that it doesnt really mean anything to blog anything. Kinda busy.

Today's training was way bad. Capsized a few times even when on a K2. Meant to be pretty stable la. Wasted heng yang's training, and the entire training day. My directions and stability still need to improve way lot. As punishment, we did 100 pushups ourselves, to be continued tmr.

Lol.

2007-01-14T01:38:00.000+08:00

..sigh. its been a pretty hectic week.

Orientation ended beautifully. The dance party was really high. Gave it all up. Lol. Made some new friends, and pretty close at that. within 1 week, me n conan n calvin getting rly quite close. haha...rvians when pushed to a corner havta unite. hahaha... wendy's our class chio bu, boss is kinda funny, lady boss also. They have similar characters, look alike, around same height. Who's more compatible? lol

Joining NJCanoeing Team. woo..i was also thinking of learning western dance outside while i still hv some time. sumtimes im rly afraid i cant cope. and our new FAC (The Bandage Brigade is rly my fav name), studies...hai.. god bless i can toggle them nicely.

No fast food, no oily food, must complete all tutorials, cannt sleep in lectures and tutorials..lol. rules rules n more rules. Eating less n less each day...

2007-01-02T00:05:00.001+08:00

Just read something... which i cant describe as "heartwarming", for this word falls far from justifying this entry, or much less what i felt. It's the greatest honours a senior can receive, a recognition which surpasses all trophies without a gleem of lustre, a satisfaction which escapes imagination altogether, so much so a person loaded with nothingness would bow in humility and feel undeserving. A term is coined for this, and that's "Respect".

While im perhaps 19mins too late as of this second, this word with a capital R, is my new year gift to all my seniors. I owe you this.

2007-01-01T02:18:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to all!!!

This year's been pretty..eventful.. i must say, mostly bad things that shaped me up the way i am now, that made me..perhaps a little bit more reticent. Heartbreak, failure, self-consciousness, actions that conflicted my will, all stirred into the year like an olla podrida. 16 wasn't sweet, but..more of..an emotional..puberty final stage dash or something like that. Just looking back..i grew and learned more of my textbooks, others and myself, just like any other years, but this year i think i went through some parts of the mill. I saw what possibilities lay in front, stuff ten times worse than excrement of yesteryear, and learned that good things happened in heaven, which i cant reach. I'm a pampered child. I solve things the American way, which is the brainless way for goodness sake.

Anyway..perhaps i'll be going to Africa during the June hols next year. It's always good to start small, and so i shall render my service in an orphanage. Not everything needs to be disclosed. My new year resolution isn't anything much, just to adapt with the new self i discover. Three facts to internalize: I'm no saint. I'm liable to failure. I'm just like everyone else.

Perhaps if i touch each and every heart i can, and go a thousand miles to reach each and every soul, i find a new perspective. But i know, some part of me just won't be satisfied.

2006-12-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

23121A

Pray hard for STP.
Lols, was just looking at the coupled pendulum n thinking. I remember its something to do with transfer of energy, but there seems to be nothing showing that, just that the pendulums are taking turns to oscillate. But now i know, i guess.

Its a combination of both the concepts of energy transfer and resonance. Not so much of vibrations of air particles in between, cos the phenomenon took place just the same with a paper in between them. I have a short line strung between the 2 pendulums btw. When one swings, the energy in the system is used against air-resistance and also to tug at the short line. This tugging will cause the other pendulum to begin its oscillation gradually. (transfer of energy is quite easily understood) One thing to note is that the action of tugging follows a certain frequency, and so the other pendulum also oscillates at the same frequency. Since the frequency of the force (tugging) coincides with the frequency of the other pendulum, its amplitude doubles and slowly begins to oscillate to the same/similar extent as the first one. Since energy has to be applied to carry out the tugging, the first pendulum ceases its oscillation simultaneously. The process repeats.

Just wrote my conclusions here.

2006-12-18T17:56:00.000+08:00

wth..at the crossroads now.

this could be my ONLY chance to take bio for my dream to happen. But at the same time.. how can i study for this stuff when i am preparing for hc-stp?! If i take up both i still need to sleep leh. Selection tests here and there...never for once did academics stand in front of me and challenge me to a duel.

At a loss. really.

2006-12-17T20:46:00.000+08:00

shagged

..camp just ended. pretty rewarding, and met a lot of new stuff.
1. Dan dan's case. a little frightening, especially when the spine is concerned/ breathing is difficult/ no one else except u and a few officers are around. in the wee hours of darkness we fought to keep her alive, tt's wad i would say. how serious it is i really don't know, but the process of my 'treatment' was 90% reassurance. nothing i could do. initially the pulse rate was a little normal. not too strong/weak, rate is slightly fast. after less than a while it became significantly quicker. wells..after a long talk, where part of it literally flowed out of me without prior preparation, and with all the officers there, she calmed down. n i was told to slp. a lil traumatized, i din say anything but comply immediately.

2. SHOOTING STARS! saw a few shooting stars for the first time. very small, very thin trail, very difficult to spot. this was when we walked thru the 'dark' canal during the hike. the place was dark enough for most stars to mesmerize. sadly perhaps cos of the rain, the sky was a shade of red, so the stars din appear up to expectation. shooting stars happened quite often i guess. the only way to see one is for it to fall across where you are looking at. otherwise, it will be too late by the time u see one at the corner of ur eye and then turn towards it. but for the same reason, that's where it's captivating.

3. DOC platoon. din expect much from them initially, cos they are all girls, and their platoon happen to be the smallest in size among the 4. lols...after the camp, see them improve from a group of blur blur cadets unable of carrying responsibility to the present-day doc platoon, able to share work and get things done. Sometimes i cant help but admit, they are one of the better platoons le. physically they're weak, evident from the hike, but apart from that, most of them are able to cooperate and work in a matured manner. (why i pointed out 'matured' shld be self-explanatory.) in the very least, they never disappointed me.

ok. 2 surprises when i reach home. new phone, the one i desired, and a new badminton racket, of a design which im very fine with. well...receiving presents of cos good lah..but these dun come cheap..=(

2006-12-13T23:55:00.001+08:00

...saw myself. heh. went to buy bed. its like so ex. i tried u noe, i tried to turn it down. my dad simply goes along, saying just buy. i dun sleep on it often. well.. later on, saw xiaohui i think. working at banquet. lols..somehw this feeling overwhelmed me..tt i rly gotta learn thrift. somehow..

lols. fancy me learning thrift at 16. i'm gonna find a job asap.

2006-12-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

Taking some time off mugging time. Hah...wad is this... mugging hard, and playing hard. Perhaps its the only chance to redeem myself, who has been slacking for so long ever since prelims. Hell...physics is really lots of formulaes. Now im praying hard that Suria or any physics teacher can help me. L sq. M sadly wun be in school anymore. haha...god bless i can finish studying all these on time. but i noe, i cant. sian....

ride my truck? im chucking it aside now, gotta run with an STP key chain now. i dun see anyone in front, but im just jogging too... just glad that i have a choice to chuck the truck aside for good.

2006-12-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

Breathe in. Blow into this blog. 1 ventilation, save it from boredom.

hven blogged here for quite long. haha...hols, enjoying to some small extent. Finished my stp application after delaying for so long. so many things happened these few days/weeks/wadsoever. i see a change in myself. not a big one. but a change for the better perhaps. and also...a lot of other stuff which i dun wish to disclose. but, one's mind tend to stray when it's free to roam, like sending a dog to the streets and it'd probably bring back junk. so, nothing significant/worth talking about.

people move on, the world revolves. i find myself suddenly moving on. perhaps when one's down he walks backwards. haha. the whole world tells me to change my hair style. woo.

something innate perhaps, something unchangeable, something inborn, ingrained in me. my blog entries cant be as bubbly as yours. U do a curtsy when the lime light falls on u while i sneak away. U hold on to attention while i rub everything off and get things over and done with. How sadly, we're different eh? Then how did everything start? How did everything end? Who changed? Who turned his/her back first on the other? Me? u? Im crazy for answers, and view things in mathematical language. U like this, i try to get it for u/do it for u. but i still dunno wad u wan. and what i din wan, i did. haha. Perhaps the earliest horror film scriptwriters were like me, and decided that spirits wander in search of answers to their life, and then reincarnate. lols. i tink im edging on with every step now. Dun just turn away from me k. Im pulling a truck! one day i will break free from this load and sprint like the wind. that would be the day i find an answer to everything that i can accept, or when the question has been lingering for far too long that it disappears by default.
Till then, what will i have become?

If change is the only constant, then change is my only fear. I cant find myself if i stray too far. i cant bring myself to love another. not until i hv fulfilled this promise that no one bothers to look at. Not u, at least. no girl will wait as long for me. so its between having a partner in later life, and keeping my promise. One day i will laugh at myself, but i will remember this day, when i struggled between two options. i hven got an answer.

steel coated;

2006-11-18T00:58:00.000+08:00

Yep, last day of O's.

Not talking about O's. Pooled for an hour plus myself. Bought a few books. Will be reading them soon. 4 years ended.. anticipating OTC and JC life. Haha...why issit that hols is just a transition period to me while others can have so much fun? I know i cant derive fun from company or crowds. Just don't fit. How funny if one didnt know what's fun even until old age.

Lols.

2006-11-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

Somewhere else in the world i'm displaced, but i still find my roots. I know where i belong. Where im happiest. Where im saddest. Its all the same place. People may be skeptical. If you are, to hell with you. Cos i dun care.

My worth. I know. My promise's my worth. It had no value. I'll give it some value.
One day this strand of carbon fibre will leave. Not now. Cos i have to keep a promise. Its meaningless practically. But its just as important. Im emotionally detached. and attached. to a place, and another.

5 days to end of O's. And here im anticipating a nightmare. It's scary. But it will soon be over. I used to think i could accomplish something great. I was the chosen one. Now, i am just ordinary. And proud to be here.

Literature: Loved it. Poetry and Prose can be very beautiful, can be very alive. Words perform magic. That's transient.

2006-11-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

..deep deep down in my heart.
..deep deep down in my heart.
E E D-ED C

haha...quite heart warming. Father and daughter singing together on the bus..

2006-11-01T19:20:00.000+08:00

1st time watching gong.

The girl isnt tt cute afterall...
I pity the other prince.

THINK:
What is the role of Captain Horster in the play?
What about the others?
Tyranny of the majority.
Manipulation of majority.

2006-11-01T04:48:00.000+08:00

Going thru some kind of turmoil. Been going thru some exam freak-outs..flunking the easiest papers. waddahell.

If life was a series of multiple choice questions, what kind of person would u be? One who thinks hard and long before a decision is made, one who throws an eraser before shading or one who looks over his/her shoulders for an answer? Each is flawed no matter how meticulous (or how not) u are in making a decision. No one can be flawless/impeccable/play the good-guy all the time. That's the sadness and reality of life.

im nothing, and so that's why.

2006-10-29T05:33:00.000+08:00

dunno what's happening now. haha..

for the first time im getting 'excited' over the coming written tests on mon.
Bed, study, bed, study.

cant sleep at all. a side of me tells me to rest. i dun feel tired, but i din slp the whole day. the other side of me tells me to mug. i hv tmr (1 mre day) but im alr rushing for tym. ok. i shall mug.

The time is 5.29am now.

2006-10-20T22:10:00.000+08:00

me? u asking me?

haha..i can make a fool of myself.

how funny man can be.
an average man does foolish things
an above average man looks at an average man and warns himself from doing anything foolish
....while God laughs His ass off above.

i wun regret if u rly meant me.
1. Im over it.
2. Im a 100% sure u meant him.

wads the point.

A boy strode by.
Under the azure blue sky, a breeze tickled the sides of a fallen leaf, ruffled the feathers of a chirping magpie, while the Sun stretched its arm around the lush green, embracing the land.
The boy strode by.
Slow. Slower than usual.
Thoughts made for an erratic course in his brain. Questions slammed hard upon the back of his head. He slapped his temples, nothing came out. He squeezed his skull with the power of his fingers. In vain, sad to say.
He cried.
The boy strode by.

2006-10-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

graduate le.

haha..its been a few days. feel kinda changed these few weeks. light, carefree..ask me wad im feeling now? sok sok. wadeva. preparing for O's eh? perhaps. found this story pretty interesting.
[Direct English Translation]
There was once a pretty rich man (i guess), heard news of a longevity herb somewhere deep in the mountains. Ok..(he could have got a guide) he went up alone. Pretty unfortunate, as most really short stories go, he fell down a cliff, and grabbed whatever he could to save his life. Ah hah! He got hold of a branch..? ya.. sumthing along that line. He looked up and saw BUDDHA. "Save me! Please save me! Dear BUDDHA!" he cried. BUDDHA said, "Alright, but i have one condition." He said "No problem. Any condition. Just name it and... SAVE ME!!!" BUDDHA replied. "Alright, let go of your hands." Well, he refused, so sure that he will fall to his death in doing so. So he clutched tighter. And BUDDHA, sigh, left.

Well the entire passage was about letting go of what's, perhaps, unimportant. Depart from the material life, and take things as they come. Afterwhich, let go. Getting too stressed isnt good.
I Agree.

hmmm...tmr.
9 - 11 : badminton
11 - 12: ..good question
12- 13: lunch
13 - 24: ..good question

tt's tmr's plan. detailed..no la. large coverage i'd say.

this month: Prepare for O's and O's
next month: Prepare for O's and O's
next next month: zhuo bo.
next next next month: meet new friends in new JC. zhuo bo TGT.
next next next next month: meet new friends in new JC. get results. zhuo bo TGT wif others.

tt's the next 5 month's plan.

next yr: JC
next next yr: JC + A's
next next next yr: ARMY!!! wooHoO~!
next next next next yr: ARMY!!! wooHoO~!
next next next next next yr: zhuo bo.

tt's the plan for the next 5 yrs.

I've got my life planned.

2006-10-15T18:26:00.000+08:00

ok..gave them all to her le. 1 more present to give away, for Mr. Chen.

hmm.. sorry, gave u another question which u couldn't answer. to be honest that wasnt a question. i simply wanted to tell u these. i told myself i should tell u these before we graduated, but was thinking how unimportant these gifts will be if i was the one who gave them to u. so... i was thinking of getting mei to pass to u.. so maybe u'll wish for sthg which u really want. but..mei still gave me away. anyway..its good that i could give them to u...and from there tell u everything i felt. haha...i read ur blog. u're different from me, perhaps, but in my case, i told myself umpteen times to forget too, and haven't really been able to till now. so..we shall see la.

one last confession. i really dun wish to see u in JC. haha..not that i hate u..just looking forward to life without u. then again, nvm me.

whatever the case, perhaps i'll find sumone before i can fulfil my promise to myself. theme of promises. lolz.

tmr's graduation.
report book aside (and i dun really care)
guess i'll miss rvsj sec 4'06. haha...
hmm...wingchi, qin yue, charisse, angela, ivy, cat, apt, those who trusted me, those who doubted me, are all those who furnished my sj life.
not getting anywhere too cheesy. thanks to people who didn't cooperate, to people who did, to people who stood by my stand, to people who found it too troublesome, and to people who found me too imposing.
hmm..
before i go, i'll sae it here.
Yes i liked her before..i mean angela. but she's the one i respect the most.
really capable and sensitive, usually the one who probed into those depressing times, than those who simply said "depression again"..like im a depression kid.
didn't really need tt.

that's all. from mei, TTFN

2006-10-12T19:15:00.000+08:00

hmm...tmr is the last day before we graduate.
wow...tt's really fast..
haha...bet i'll miss RV. all the while i was thinking how incredible it was..if i din choose to come here, all these wouldnt hv happened..and i wouldnt hv learnt so much...
i'll miss 4E too...we're the best class man.
Highest Percentage of Chio Bu's thruout level.
Only 10 guys to share the 24 gals we hv.
Never fail to produce our Top Scorer for Lit thruout level.
SUPER ENTHU + capable + cute gals, running the show (with the help from guys of course)
haha...always found myself so lucky to fall into the right community.

Now. 1 by 1 evaluation.
(Index Order)
1. Cheryl
Ur occasional 'blurness' is kinda cute, rly. all the best in getting a place in HwaChong!!!
2. Charlotte
Ultimate Chiobu in class? Perhaps.
3. Sophia
haha...i must sae she's rly cute by nature and a lil gullible, with a pretty meek and 'unstable' voice.
4. Sokh
CHAIRPERSON. dun play play. my dear mei. pretty strong character. i admire u. *salute
5. Huiyi
haha...dunno how to describe...pretty..perhaps. talkative..yes. funny..definitely.
6. Yiqi
haha...darn hardworking gal. nicknamed Elephant. haha..but she's a hundredth of the one in the zoo.
7. Charisse
Poise, Matured, English-Oriented, Pious, Pretty, Capable. wahh...
8. Cuilin
ahya. troublesome girl. a good fren.
9. Seokh
hmm..ok..pretty cute..like the rest..strong character, complex thinking, devoted to a guy (she's single)
10. Jayne
clever but sumtyms snobbish girl. stay clever. Looks pretty decent.
11. Melissa Loo.
haha...this one gt a lot to sae. she's pretty..yes.. but i still think wads most striking is tt she's very capable. possess the makings of a leader capable of meeting deadlines. her results...hmm... hmm.. "SOARED" shld be the word. yea. SOARED. a mixture of 'cute' & 'pretty' ba. has a loyal suitor..
12. Wai Leng
haha...introverted girl..but her drawings are super duper nice. she adds serenity to our over-enthu class.
13. Sixuan
ROCKS! so many things abt her...but i can only summarise with 1 word. ROCKS. haha...but still...i've been wanting to tell her this last yr when i was class leader. KEEP IN CONTROL!
14. Sufen
haha...Poised, Chinese-Oriented, Feminine, and no offence.. (A LITTLE auntie)
15. Yee Yer
Always hang out with Sufen...no offence again, (like another auntie AT TIMES). this girl is also Chinese-oriented, and Chinese characters shoot out of her mouth, literally.
16. YuJia
hmm...VERY extroverted, has ABSOLUTELY no qualms in speaking, responsible. haha...
17. Rebecca
Dick.
18. Jiaxin
Gentle. Feminine. Blur. Really Blur. Looks Blur. Decent-looking.
19. Joan
Art freak. haha..her expressions are kinda funny sumtyms...tt's y she's in six's clique..perhaps.
20. MeiYan
haha..erm..dunno much abt her. soft spoken. hangs out with jiaxin.
21. Florence
Also V.Chio. Always in a lovey-dovey kind of world.
22. Joyce
Her English is darn pro can... cheem...But she's the fun-loving kind.
23. Anna
Another Chio Bu. haha..
24. Mellissa.yeo
Looks Good. the wild party of four. anna, joyce, melissa, charlotte

25. Qi En
haha...ok...notorious in sch. but really. he taught me this: Have a life. quite a flirt..most would agree.
26. Kang
AIYA. NO NEED TO SAE LA.
27. Wei Sheng
haha...hotty, as named by sixuan. small built, great body. athlete
28. YanHao
hmm...refer to 21.
29. Woei Jye (pronounced as Wei Jie)
dunno wad to sae..haha.. kinda weird at times.
30. Yan Neng
Hmm.. female-oriented. hmm..c c
31. Benedict aka Ben
haha...JIAWEI!!!
32. me
AH BASTARD!~
33. Yik Seng
ok..this guy..must say he is unique. well-tuned in several branches of philosophy.. sounds like a radical sometimes.. but his english also very sophisticated. walking dictionary.
34. Tueston
Hottest Guy in 4E. nt i say one. the girls sae one.

2006-10-07T18:43:00.000+08:00

its kinda ironic.
in you

i see myself.

as i observe my image

i reach out my hand

to save

the me

in the mirror.

but i can't.

like u, like my image,

i dunno what's next.

we both fall into a bottomless valley

i cut myself while falling thru a vine.

i see u cut urself while falling thru that vine.

i can't nurse your wound
not until we both reach the bottom of this valley

or till the day, i grab my vine and climb my way out, and u grab urs.

and we part.

2006-10-05T01:31:00.000+08:00

Haha...just received my guitar.
APL with a guitar..haha..nv thought 1 day i could really learn sum musical instrument.

to Charisse: hey, i don't play pots n pans anymre.

hai..loads of homework. n all kinda stuff..like helping tt Gracia.. today i practically started afresh on all the topics. Din finish all. she shag le. haha...hope she passes her maths.

if i could wish, wad would i wish for?
Evryone in the world to feel loved.

What bout' u?

Haha..hw long can i persevere? 2 yrs maybe. lemme finish my JC with full effort.
Be a man. Be happy.

2006-10-01T23:21:00.000+08:00

my heart is kinda thumping very fast, but i dun feel anxious at all.
perhaps im long used to her new type of prescence in my life.
she smsed me.

lemme guess...tt was around the time my eye twitched? nv check the phone. nah. my eye twitched around 3 hrs later. wadeva the case.

tell me sthg new. shall we play a game? no one is supposed to use 'thanks' or 'sorry' or any words alike. Are u game?

2006-10-01T18:24:00.000+08:00

tomorrow.

enjoy. i will be anticipating the night with u.

2006-09-30T09:03:00.001+08:00

it's all coming to an end.
after this yr..everything's changing.

learn to live without
learn to make new friends
grab opportunities (or rather, wrest)
become a machine probably

dunno where this is ultimately going..
hmm..actually i know.
but what i pictured to be sacred and impt, who would think that i'll leave it outside?
there will probably be a phase in life..when results are passe, and the next stage of life begins.
i'll just watch and give my blessings.
escapism? i'd probably decide to tag it on my life.

i wish to find sumplace, sumwhere, where i feel relevant.
i wish to strengthen my bond with my relatives.
if i was financially able and independent, i'll take care of my grandma. (she's still working)
whenever i see her..
there're so many things unspoken but felt deeply.
if possible..and if lady luck kicked me hard in the butt, get me a scholarship.
i know the path i'll take, and i know its long and costly..i want to be responsible for my own education as soon as i can.

life's calling

2006-09-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

7 days more

i dunno.

friends? erm..nah. let's just say i can't keep my promise again.

i live in Mars. u, Earth.
Me: %$^%#^#*&*$%^#$@(*&???
U: ---silence---

Why wun Earthlings look at Martians?

Why do Martians feel so distant from Earthlings?

We are neighbours..aren't we?

...
Hey Earthlings! My planet is beautified! Doesnt it look cool?
the Sunnians are in awe. the Venusians are just as mesmerized.

I've got the best and latest technology amongst the planets!

Jupiter with its size isnt in the least comparable to me.

Hey!
Hey!
"no reply"
....
my technology is gone. im back to the old warm red planet.

won't u look at me?

the solar system is afterall a vacuum

would sum astronauts study my planet please?
who would understand.

.
my planet's in orbit, so do u.

and i wait and crave for the day i meet u.

i did in the past, but i din expect an eclipse to happen in ur planet.
i try to shake myself free from the gravitational pull from the Sun.

my consistent effort paid off in sum ways.

i succeeded.

but now im out of the solar system. alone.

2006-09-20T14:40:00.000+08:00

GRRRWWAAAAHHHHH!!!

Why doesn't this noise ever stop?!

wth...with all the drilling and hammering right above me...tickling my ear at the threshold of pain.
DRRRRRRR...ah..the trumpet.
KOK KOK KOK..ah..the triangle.

..it really pays if u try to engage ur mind before ur mouth when u are agitated..
it keeps u really calm and maybe even..
I GIVE UP! SHUT UP!!!
sum1 tell me watta do.
erm...Mr. Drill, can u lower down ur volume? i have a practical test tmr..
O u will? Thankyou!
O yes, Mr. Hammer, i really wish u will kindly do the same..will u?
.

silence. much treasured silence.

the hammer's broke into 2? the drill has been chipped?
god bless my ceiling.
.
OK OK..OK OK...
O K !!
it's back.

i'm outta the house. if not i'll be drinking chemicals tmr with eyes open.

2006-09-18T18:14:00.000+08:00

wah... early in the morning Mr. Chen came to shock me..tell me i got 1 entire part din do for my Chem Exam. yujia still sae a lot of marks.. feel like dying le..
.
all these days during prelim i was just doing nothing. other than mugging, i spent a big portion of my time on art and craft. haha...shocking right? i made a small box with a lid, a bigger box w/o, a whiteboard from the photo-holder which i broke, and 2 80% done woodcrafts; a European trading ship and a Holland windmill. slacking like nobodies' business. haha....
.
Hmm..what's left of my 'prelims'?
i have 2 exercises to be done tmr and the day after, dn i hv a secret chem practical lesson.
haha...if it was even possible for me to win any1 of u in any subjects, i'm really sorry. im nt trying to be a snob, but cos i noe its nt justified. i really din study much and dun deserve good results.
.
whatever the case, countdown 60 days to end of O's.
Best of luck to every1 who raced with time, chomped books, swallowed all kinds of boredom and loneliness in ur endeavour in preparation of prelims.
.
You've worked hard. You've my admiration. You deserve a pat on the back. (and i mean it)

2006-09-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

yeah..my laptop is ready. finally.

BEST OF LUCK to all rvsj competitors this sat. not hurt. hope that all goes well and their effort gets paid off. no pain..Guys and girls...just go there and put up ur best show k? its been very long. Failing is fine. Aiming for second best isn't.

2006-09-06T17:45:00.000+08:00

ARGH!!!

ARGH!!!

quite long since i even came..

I WANNA SHOUT!!!

prelims is like so..stressing..

how am i to concentrate??

seriously wad's the point?!

studysohardgetintogoodjcthengetagoodjobearnlotsamoney

where's happiness?

i see a 'h'..ya..'a' also..

arh! 'p' dun have...

SERIOUSLY I DON'T SEE A POINT IN STUDYING!!!

lost...so lost...very lost...

gimme sum directions can?

very simple...just tell me wad to do..or point me to the road..

let the first vehicle take me down.

i see myself really changing..

n its scary..cos i seem out of control.

y does so many things havta crash into critical periods..

n why are there critical periods in the first place?

wad's happiness?

a materialistic life?

no wait! dun deny this str away.

ppl hu really pursue high life are seen as superficial.

tt's repeated over n over again by ur tchers. ur initial reaction is testament to this fact.

but are they really superficial? or whatever it is donned on these ppl..are they really tt bad?

this point aside.

ok. so being materialistic is bad.

so..who needs a high paying job?

we all SHOULD aim to be contented with sufficient income.

as for the excess, maybe we should give them to the needy.

for ppl plagued more r less by laziness as most ppl are, just get an easy job.

it doesnt require extremely high qualifications..y nt?

who imposes a decree that one MUST do charity? no surplus, no excess, nevermind.

then back to the qn.

WHY SHOULD WE WORK SO HARD AND PULL OUR HAIRS OVER EXAMS???

EXAMS THAT OPEN OUR DOORS TO HIGH PAYING JOBS...WHO NEEDS THEM???

to hell with everything.

there are many ans to my qns. n i noe them.

after 12 yrs ++ of mindset surgery and knowledge injection

its not hard to see the pencil marks behind the thick, hardened correction fluid on which words are phrased in millions of permutations to speak one kind of 'doctrine'.

cynicism aside...its really stressing..the patient has to wake up in the operating room at times with the red light on.

2006-08-03T02:11:00.000+08:00

found this somewhere...very inspiring..just sharing with everyone.

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal.Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5Â¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something â€” your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky â€” I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation â€” the Macintosh â€” a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me â€” I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything â€” all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma â€” which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much

2006-08-03T01:32:00.000+08:00

haha..case of mistaken identity.. but it doesnt matter..i wonder y issit so hard to lie..n y cant i hide much expression..evrything is written involuntarily on my face n it simply makes me feel vulnerable..

ok...the verdict is out. i got rejected for DSA..haha. WOO! nah..i wun laminate tt rejection letter for motivation sake. tt's too ex. and nth shall motivate me except myself.. i knew this long ago. i'd rather save time to search inside for motivation than seek outside for tt.

rather bad mood today..dreamt of my mum.. for the first time since her demise. its different nt having a mum to walk u thru your adolescent years..tt i din noe when she left me. tt dream..i hugged her i guess..i din hear her voice..but i saw the colour of the shirt she was wearing: blue. she wasnt the first person i hugged..nor one i showed much love to. whatever the case, i noe i cant face her anymore..if she saw how i led my life. i noe it.

2006-07-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

ahh...falling in lurve once again... nvm...just let it lie for the time being..saw this girl on the bus...gt tt psychic communication..haha... tt kind of connected feeling... nt frm RV leh.. duno when i will see her again. i seldom take bus 187 nowadays also..nvm... see see la. fate will see me thru everything.

life after anguise is a happier life.

2006-07-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

It takes time to relive the rigour, but thanks mei...yar i'll brace myself up. i will still be ur competitor...just gimme time k? =)

2006-07-12T18:38:00.001+08:00

just made a resolution.. i won't pursue anymore. all the while i noe things won't work out even if i do succeed. we are from 2 different worlds it seem. I admire her world but i can never fit into it. i dun wan to bring up this matter, get rejected, dn she feel bad abt it. if wadeva contact i have with her is bad n saddening, i might as well leave. she found the wrong guy. i wasnt in the least mature. goodbye. the next tym i look at you in the face, i want to smile.

haha..anw, saw my pri sch girlfriend in the lib.. ahh..tt was in P1 to P4...broke up on the 8th of May if im nt wrong.. she din change tt much i guess...still tt round face with a slight buck-tooth and big eyes. hehe...those were the days... writing letters.. having fun during tuition class. haha..she had long hair when she was P1, and there was once during tuition she sat behind me, and bent forward to look at my paper.. her hair covered my vision like a curtain la..haha "Relationships" then were so different from what i experienced in the recent years.. anw, now she has a boyfriend. also from my primary sch. haha..forgt his name. but..i think he's from 6F? haha...dunno. blessings to them.

2006-07-10T20:48:00.002+08:00

Comp finally over.. 6th.. lost so badly for the first time. cant help but get so confused in class. watching the teacher rambling non-stop. So lost, so desperate, feeling so much to be non-existent. what in the world happened..a 6th position..rvsj will never be sitting down or standing for nothing during comp. disappointed the officers...so sorry.. that 4-leaf clover didnt have any effect on the four of us. fine..lost. whatever prestige, whatever glory, all hidden yesterday.

I guess this matter isn't taking too much weight on my mind anymore..but.. i'll still say.. whatever happened, i don't know. but i sense a very significant change in your attitude towards me. maybe something set you thinking, affected you, or changed you somehow, we don't talk (i have no mood anyway) when we meet, i don't even throw you a glance. ='( living a life that revolved way too much around you just isnt right..

When you're way up, the next thing you know, you are down;
when you're way down, at least you can predict the next thing to be just as bad;
so which is the easier way out?

2006-07-08T18:48:00.000+08:00

this day marks the end of our "intensive training". tmr will be my very very very last comp. for sure. i must sae my involvement in this comp rly caught me by surprise.. lost so much time here and there, training, planning training, and then more trainings. shifted my main focus onto sj, which only brought me more commitments. so darn disoriented in class, hecked the lessons throughout these 2 weeks since hols ended. bits and pieces of my life simply shifted here and there like in a mozaic while i looked from afar, no 'reset' icon to click on.

tt's the negative side of joining this comp.

but at least there are learning points to learn. we have been conveying the message that studies are secondary. "though studies are important, but..", "can cope one.." all these are just cover-ups, though i don't deny they are also true to some extent. but whether one is able to manage or not differs nevertheless from individuals to individuals. like me..i rly cant cope tt well. so much unfairness i feel but cannt express. and so i wunt. it takes one to rly experience something to feel the same thing as the other.
One thing the juniors simply dun seem to see is tt prior to our studies, we have our job to do. just because you all want to safeguard that edge you have over others in academics, or prevent your lowly position in class from worsening, you all are giving us more problems tt cannt be solved unless we use the harsh method on you all. what can we do? have you thought about it? do you care? in the end all get unhappy.

well...good luck to my juniors. they'll need lots of passion and determination when handling the same problem. its just a matter of time. once they give up, tt's the end. rvsj will need new officers to rebuild and refurbish, and then start from scratch. tt'll of course, be the ultimate measure.

last thing, good luck to my team and i.

2006-07-06T22:02:00.000+08:00

.. you know i thought so long
i always seem so gan chiong
want to tell you 'i love you'
though i dunno what to do
i persevere, wah liao bu qi
yet...
i did u wrong, dui bu qi;
i let you down, dui bu qi;
i wasn't there, dui bu qi;
i gave you all my word, i broke all my promises,
i gave you up, dui bu qi;

allow me. im outta your life. sorry
plagued by our past, i've gone past the point of no return.

Why did He forsaken my blessings? why was she hurt a second time?

i dun wanna write further. pls. i'm leaving. let me go.

2006-07-04T20:19:00.000+08:00

going otc..kinda decided like long ago.. though i seriously dunno how to come back when the juniors treat me like rubbish. i don't joke all the time k. wth...

2006-07-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

quite some time since i blogged.. went to nygh cbs (chio bu sight-seeing) just now..quite a let down... wadeva...my mei said she din feel like going at the last minute...so left me n my senior... haha...

dn..while msging seok...found out tt she was going there with jia an..wow. nothing to sae.. just walk walk walk..also nv see them...lucky or unfortunate i also dunno.. i dedicated a song to her, doing crazy stuff..left 3 songs, chose my anata. n said "I've never stopped loving you.." Wells...apparently she left b4 tt..she din hear anything.. fine.

Treat my drill cane like trash? i jeopardized everything so impt to me..i feel like trash.

2006-06-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

hibernated for 1 week ++..did no homework..just reflected.

just got myself a gan-mei. quite close now ba.. (very cute de..her pic is uploaded). At least i have sum1 to accompany me whenever i'm lonely.. haha..

This mei ar...very child-like. can see alot abt her frm a day's trip to toys r' us..

see her with tt puppet elmo.. play with tt big-eyed dog (it's nv going to beat my BIG long-dog)

u'll see she's very different from the way she does her maths.

another thing is tt she lurves kids... like tt small playful boy. and she even makes monkey faces to a kid/ baby in an LRT? haha... interesting...

o ya...mei ar.. if u see this, dun be angry anymore k? haha..how could u possibly look like a monster..with tt small head and extra large body..lols..

2006-06-05T00:00:00.000+08:00

Comp Training, CIP, Classes (ending), Parade Rehearsals, Revisions, Homework, Prelim Orals..

whoo!~

Just received news from Sir Colin Ting that i got a chance to go to a function "officialized by PM Lee"... NHQ chose the same old people who went for the HM Queen Elizabeth and HRH Prince Philip thing..

Good exposure la.. one day out of the miserable holidays when i get to eat good food..

Ok...first off.

Spent 2 miserable days in library..doing CIP..

wanna sleep...

no time to do homework..unless i cut off sleeping time...which is what i'm doing now.

6 + 6 = 12..28 more hours to go..

may God bless tt the library endorses this service and sign on that little book.

if not i'll be very..very.. sad...

(I committed 2 full working days, and more to come, got mistaken as a malay, and was called "Uncle"..)

Nice phrase

"Cult of speed"

Read it on The Straits Times,

Pointing out that we should be gentler on ourselves, for

"it could save [us]"

It's interesting not to realise that the moment we wake, the first thing we look at is the clock, and after that, the clock is boss..as quoted from the article..

Somewhat or rather..being gentle on oneself is definitely essential but can it really be done?

Let's view it from the coporate point of view.

If a company reads this article and its entire staff makes an effort to be gentle on themselves, working at a slower pace, placing health over else, would rival companies do so too?

Especially when they now have an edge over this company who's running at half the speed?

i suppose not, and i'm backed by the traces of kiasu-ism found in typical Singaporeans (like me!).

No doubt it is important that we learn to destress and relax, but it seems that Man can be likened to gears running simultaneously, and in turbo, for the current status quo.

It is nearly impossible for one gear to run slower (i.e. be gentle on oneself) when the others have not. Everyone can try to be gentle on themselves altogether but then momentum comes in.

Who will be stopping first? Who then, will be stopping last?

It makes all the difference when this kaisu-ism escalates our sensitivity to any forms or indications of being inferior.

And so how then, can we be gentle enough on ourselves?

geared up, won't be the first to stop

2006-06-01T00:20:00.000+08:00

Lonelier than ever
I'm past caring about that
The world is but an illusion

Lost
A big portion of Everything, for the rest becomes insignificant
Gained
Animosity, sceptism, confusion, silence

Pessimistic?
I have no choice

Don't know:
What I want
What I need
What I feel
What I'm doing
What am I
Why these happened

Lost myself

Go on, give up on me.
Achievement brings jealousy, generates hostility; nothing glorious.
I am nothing but nothing.
Leave me alone.

For people I hurt and treasured, take good care of yourself, i'm sorry..but i simply lost myself.

2006-05-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

Hey people...this entry here has been deleted because of inaccurate info. Tueston DON'T HAVE GF hor..Dun hv..dun hv... hahahahaha...

2006-04-30T10:56:00.000+08:00

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO??

--------------------------------------------

"All grown up...and still getting handouts from mum and dad"

Aren't these young adults ashamed?

In this society where we practise meritocracy, you can't earn enough to support YOUR lifestyle simply means you are not good enough.

Why are your parents the ones taking your financial burden with you (is it even a burden? to sponsor your shopping spree for high life?)?

these are wants, not needs.

One can definitely opt to have a better life, and splurge once in a while.

its YOUR choice.

so use YOUR money.

Parents give their children allowances even at their age, offer to clear their expensive bills, feeding them free supplies of supplementary cards,

these are all acts of love.

but it there a stop to it?

NO.

Children, on the other hand, take the above as outright gifts,

"if they are willing to give, i'm willing to take."

and giving parents a little token just to show that they [children] are not living off them [parents], receiving a net profit of a satisfying amount.

i can't help but say, these unappreciative acts are slowly mutating into

EXPLOIT.

"..she will understand the love of a mother when she becomes a mother"

is this too naive? (typical of an I.S. person, always judging others positively)

sympathetically, the world doesn't work this way now, dear MUM.

now she takes money from you to satisfy her unnecessary splurges.

when she becomes a mother, she will take more money from you to satisfy not only her unnecessary splurges, but also the needs of your dearest grandson/granddaughter (not to mention the wants),

ALL in the name of the latter.

Do you then think you can suppress your love for your daughter and her offsprings?

For individuals infuriated at my accusation, im really sorry but is there any other way a situation like this would turn out?

From the papers,

there are problematic teens with incorrect moral values,

there are also middle class adults unappreciative of their parents,

im beginning to wonder whether this society is just as warped...

2006-04-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

HEY! WHY ARE YOU HERE? HERE TO READ? THIS IS AN IDIOT TALKING THROUGH HIS HAT!

BACK OFF!

Failure in everything

Studies

St. John

Love

Friends

Life

Blasting music right into my ears now.. full volume and plugged tight.

Mid-years coming.. i really wish to excel.. im stressed out like a piano chord.

stretched to its extremes

SJ... the ironical increase in workload aside.. IVY like dun like being my member.. CAT.. not close to her..different styles of thinking.. others..i dunno la.. just feel a little detached from everyone else...

whatever i do.. i dun succeed.

look at junior's discipline..officer just very bu shuang the standard.

u hv ur goals and aspirations for the future of RVSJ, i hv my ideas and limitations.

u cant squeeze all into me.

Please be sensitive to the change in society - parents are getting ridiculously protective of their fleshy feeble children and old methods won't work!

If u insist on training these children like a martinet, please find a time machine.

travelling a few years back will suffice.

One last thing, give others a chance to talk. not by just keeping quiet. but by listening.

LISTENING.

Love and Friendship.

Im just like a lost sheep now... a conscious light uncharged particle in a uniform electric field... not being able or knowing where to move.

Just some slight confusions. or this emptiness in the mind.

and then again, what are friends?

like making some friends recently..did i?

can talk la, can fool around a little tgt, observing their actions, reacting accordingly as long as it doesnt conflict with my usual style of doing things.

such relationships..like reversible reactions.

sometimes we're like pals, but we can simply walk past each other too.

Love?

Just thinking recently..i really do not deserve to love another.

haha..did not understand her then..respect..trust..?

it's good she found another one..far surpasses what i can give her.

not materialistic gains. just tt something else.

want a second chance? Fat hope, u fat ass.

i knew we din match.

our ideas are usually conflicting. we don't understand each other. both feel a sense of insecurity.

but i just feel differently. still feeling so attached to her.

just to feel that usual heartache

she made an affirmative choice. what chance do i stand?

history will simply repeat, and another tragedy happens.

and then? another 4 months of escalated agony, for i'll be convinced further that nothing will work out between us.

Just why..

why must it be you?

Everything happening all at once, making me more vulnerable than ever.

when was the last time when i was happy?

maybe last tue. like 2 days ago. during CCA.

simply seeing my juniors learning, having fun and.. bonding?

haha... unexplainable satisfaction.

similarly, when i saw my Bravo cadets on the last day of course.

all been thru some journey together.

making interaction and learning outta-textbook stuff.

Values to be valued.

Juniors, you make my day.

No matter how busy, like having to type documents for my dad like every single day now.. like im the only one who can type and know howta use Word, i still havta push on.

There used to be her, motivating myself to carry on in life no matter what comes.

"Now that she's gone", im left with maybe my dad? he needs his documents and me. Lost his wife, i'll be heartless to leave him more lonely than ever. just a sense of duty as a son, nothing compared to that motivation i had.

___

willing myself to carry on.

2006-04-16T22:21:00.001+08:00

Quite some time since i came to this void blog... haha.. dun feel like coming at times..remind myself of the bad times. After break-up comes a few phases, i discover.

1. Baffled phase:

Don't understand why you broke.

Seeks for a closure, or a further understanding.

Needs a talk, or simply to satisfy some unceased longing for the other party.

Life goes topsy-turvy

2. Resolved phase:
Decides and is able to let go. (perhaps with the help of friends=)

Not as affected by the other party's prescence anymore.

Other party may still linger in ur thoughts, but its significantly more manageable.
Life gradually picks up, apparently.

...

Occasional relapses may happen. Friends, just render more support in times like this...

....

3. Reminiscing Phase:

Probably after some time u will start to look back and reflect.

Once again u'll think of ur actions and his/ her reactions

If love still lives on, perhaps u will give urself another chance, and court her all over again with renewed passion.

Otherwise, just take it as a life experience, and a lesson. A really important one.

Haha..these are just some of my thoughts. Now at stage 3..decided to push my luck. Sometimes i really wish to let her know i still love her..more affirmed than ever.

But at the same time i seriously dont want to put her in a dilemma.

Wish her happiness, every1 can sae. maybe im not matured enough or what, but
HOW ISSIT POSSIBLE TO ATTAIN 100% OF THIS?

it's either u dun rly love her anymore, and give up, otherwise there'll definitely be some parts of him/ her living in u, that makes u crave to be the one to give her that kinda happiness, right?

i'm not sure. probably i'll learn more down the road. =

These few days keep hanging out with Charisse..both of us getting pissed at people saying we're a couple.

Yea..we watch movies together, do work together, sms...
but we both noe there's no such feelings in between, and that make all the difference, right?

hai...

suay suay saw a whole lot of JV ppl, course mates and cadets, and they made such a big fuss of me and charisse, i think alerted the entire KFC...

chao embarassing...

saw sum RVians too...there's a PA guy..so i'm waiting for Angela to ask me about this..

i will not flare up, i try...

2006-02-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

Seriously..i dunno her at all... stupid persistence, inability to let go...wad's this? how long has it been? 1 month and 26 days since we broke. so at least one month they were tgt i guess..

---

I lied to her

---

I rly wanted her to be happier with him.

He's afterall a lot more matured than me. Just what she needed.

and from lay hui, he's brillantly, marvellously cute.

nv act cool.

and nth but good points.

on the day she DECIDED to break the news to me.

i knew it sooner.

she was apologetic, but i told her without thinking that i also had sum1 in mind.

n we engaged in a conversation.

fake laughter, concealed emotions

she sent me a long msg that was supposed to come b4 the conversation,

just that i called her b4 receiving it.

foolishly.

after we broke then i realised i loved her..so much so it's difficult to adapt without her.

n so i tot there was a chance in future. a hope i cling desperately on to.

but, all gone.

she told me "i really liked him"..

may god bless ur relationship.

i give u all of my blessings.

im rly fine.

---

everything changed.

being with me, there was pressure. of being found out.

she was rly very afraid of being found out.

i understood. though its tiring at times..i could carry on.

at least i believed so.

today is CCA day.

surprisingly, me n kang saw the notice on the board.

*names, coincidentally to be ppl involved in BGR, were to see Mrs Look on mon.

her name was there.

i tot of her.

how'll she react?

will she lose her insignia's? the 2 green loops that we struggled to keep on her shoulders?

i told her abt it.

just to prepare her for the worst.

she wasn't in the least worried i guess.

"anw his parents and my parents noe wad"

that's wad she told me.

no worries.

---

should i be glad? should i be sad?

i dunno.

what is the right feeling? and what is the true feeling?

i dunno.

did i worry too much? i think i did..

so it brings me to another qn.

did i rly understand her a bit?

an affirmative no.

What was i trying to do?

scare her?

no way!

break up the both of them by telling them a prob?

...what was i thinking...

envy was all i had,

and that..love could be so sweet.

just that i did not deserve

to love.

2006-01-23T00:55:00.000+08:00

first post here. just decided not to post at the OTHER blog...rather meaningless.. given up on sth.. juniors n sj are throbbing my mind..that's all.. and homework..o yes..how could i forget?..

Nth much...no reason why i started a new blog..

chose this skin cos i rly wish to go back to the past..when every1 was happy suffering under the seniors. work has stressed us up n stretched us apart..

taking over is not gaining authority; handing over is not liberation